Of Cabbages and Kings
by LarenCousland
Summary: The party tries to shed humor on the poor situation at hand. Pranks and more!
1. Witch of the Wetlands

He bolted upright, perspiration drenching him and causing his tunic and linen pants to stick to him like a second skin. His heart felt like a jackhammer in his chest, rattling against his ribcage so hard her thought it might burst from his chest. It took a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the dark, and the dim light of the fire, before he realized it was just another nightmare. A groan from his right, and he looked aver at Edana. From her restlessness he deduced that she too was suffering from the nightmares. Rubbing his brow, he tried taking some deep breath's to calm the beating of his heart.

That's when he saw her, sneaking around the camp. He squinted, trying to make out the shape in the darkness. Morrigan, he thought bitterly. He still hadn't found it within himself to trust her, though he could not figure out why. Trying to look past his templar past, past the teaching of the Chantry, he still could not trust her.

'What in Maker's name is she doing…?' He thought to himself, rising off of his bedroll to follow the mage. She glided through the night effortlessly, making it hard to follow her quietly. Alistair was never very good at stealth, but tonight the witch seemed to be distracted and did not notice him. She comes to stop at a small pool of water, crouching down next to it to examine it. She chants, a small arcane glow emitting from the pool. It is as if she is looking into a looking glass that tells the future, and he stands there confused for a moment before he notices…

It's almost too good to pass up. The mage is crouched near the waters edge, her shapely behind sticking out. He thinks of all the comments she makes towards him, about his intelligence… 'Don't do it, she may turn you into a toad…' he thinks, watching with fascination as his own foot comes up and kicks the witch squarely in her curvy derriere.

Morrigan falls forward into the pool, making a great splash. Alistair nearly swallows his fist to keep from laughing so hard he might lose a lung, when he sees the look of murder in the witch's eyes. "YOU!" She bellows at him, scrambling to get out of the pool. He can't help it, he bolts, tears streaming down his face as he stumble-runs out of the clearing and towards camp. She's yelling behind him how she's going to shrink certain parts of his manhood into oblivion when he bursts upon the camp. "HELP ME! SAVE ME! HELP HELP!!!" He yells through his laughter, waking his fellow Dalish Grey Warden with a start.

Edana stood up with blades drawn, eyes wide and hair askew as Alistair runs towards her. He grabs her, and pulls her in front of him like a human shield. "Help! She's a murderous gleam in her eye!" He says through laughter, and the elf can't help but smile though she doesn't know the situation. Morrigan stops before Edana, eyes alight with violence and clothes sopping wet. "That half wit! He… He…" she struggles to speak and not scream at the both of them.

"He interrupted your bath?" She asks then, making Morrigan's eyes narrow with even more anger. "He pushed me into the pond!" Morrigan yells, hands on her hips and chest stuck out defiantly. Alistair erupts with another fit of hysterical laughter. "I c-c-couldn't help it…" he says through the laughter, doubling over as if he cannot get wind. "She was standing there… Oh it was so perfect… hahahahahaha!" Edana can't help but start to laugh herself, finding the whole situation increasingly hilarious. "Morrigan maybe if you didn't try so hard to insult him…" She says trying hard not to break into a fit of laughter.

"I'll turn him into a great stinking pig!" Shouts Morrigan, her face red with anger. Alistair howls with laughter, Edana giggles uncontrollably. "T-t-that wouldn't be much of a change from what he is now though… Don't you have something a little more useful?" she asks through her giggles. Alistair begins to choke on his laughter, "Yeah Morrigan! You're all washed up!!!" With that both Edana and Alistair crumble to the ground in laughter.

Morrigan scowls and walks away beyond flustered.


	2. Zevran's Lullaby

**_Just so you know, these are in no specific chronological order. LOL._**

* * *

Edana rubbed her temples, trying to ebb the budding headache that was forming there. They had picked up Oghren in Orzammar after killing Branka and freeing Caridin. As they left, she spied a giant statue with names spelled in runes on it, and made the mistake of asking Oghren what it was. "Well fart me a lullaby..." he had said, which made Alistair laugh so hard they thought he might explode.

They had also found out that Shale was a woman before becoming a Golem. A fact that brought on loads of comments from parties all around. A few times she had to talk Shale down to keep the golem from punting Oghren halfway across the deep roads with his comments of her 'buns of Shale'.

They set up camp outside of the Frostback Mountains, and Oghren had insisted that they celebrate their victory. Had she known that entailed hours of drinking, she may not have agreed. The rest of then had accepted a cup of ale, but somehow Oghren had convinced Alistair to keep going. She was now grinding her teeth in annoyance listening to the two of them singing loudly in a drunken stupor.

"If the drunken dwarf and the simple minded one do not cease their revolting behavior soon, I will crush both their heads while they are sleeping" threatened Shale. Oghren stopped singing and merry-making to regard the golem with bloodshot eyes. "Shayle, I bet you weren't half bad to look at when you were human. Or maybe you weren't... Is that why you're a golem?" Alistair erupted in a chain of giggles, and fell backwards knocking over his cup of ale. "Whadsamattah with you boy? Can't hold yer ale?" the dwarf slurred at Alistair. Yet they kept drinking. Soon Oghren was walking around pant-less and Alistair had pulled a sock on his head like a hat. He slurred something about giving a whole new meaning to "Stocking cap", but Edana was so annoyed at this point she couldn't think straight.

"Ah, Branka!" shouted Oghren, "Now there was a woman! She sure knew how to handle a man 'tween the sheets!" He bumbled around, his hairy behind making Leliana cover her eyes. Alistair nodded in approval, raising his glass to Edana. "To my love!" he slurred back, dirty sock on his head swaying with each over exaggerated movement. "For making me feel more... er... manly!" Edana blushed furiously and regarded her lover with angry eyes.

Together Oghren and Alistair stumbled around singing a made up song about the women they had loved (Ogrhens being a longer verse than Alistair's since he had only known one woman...) Until Zevran stuck his head out of his tent.

"If you both do not shut up, I swear I will slit your throats!" Oghren turned to Zevran then, his eyes alight with ale. "I have a lullaby for you!"

Zevran blinked at the Dwarf with eyebrow arched in question. "Oh?" he asked. On that note the dwarf lifted one leg into the air and broke wind with such ferocity that Edana was certain he had soiled himself. Alistair collapsed on the ground laughing, rolling around and pounding the ground with one fist. Zevran rolled his eyes and went back into his tent, while Wynne and Leliana huddled together with their hands over their noses.

"He f-f-farted a lul-lul-lulaby!" exclaimed Alistair heartily.

Edana retreated to her tent and closed the flaps quickly her eyes alight with embarrassment and humor. She knew one templar that was sleeping with the Mabari tonight.


End file.
